He removes his helmet, revealing my face beneath the faceplate. It takes me by surprise, I admit, but who wouldn’t be surprised that their own mirror-image just pulled you through a solid door. Fortunately my improbable molecule costume protected me from sustaining too much damage, but I’ll definitely be one big bruise in the morning. Provided I see the morning.

    “But that’s what you get when you do favours for people. Still, this isn’t such a bad gig I’ve been set up with. From my point of view, anyway. Lucky for you we need you alive.”

    ‘We’ need me alive, eh? So this guy isn’t working by himself. I wonder if he works for the Lynchpin? If anyone has a reason to be hacked off at me recently he’d be at the top of my list. This doesn’t seem quite right for him though; he’d want me dead.

    “But that doesn’t mean I don’t get to beat you to a bloody pulp bringing you in.” The man wearing my face grins evilly with that last remark. This guy definitely wants to do me some damage.

    “If you surrender peacefully then you won’t be a pulp when I bring you in.” I lunge forward, striking at his exposed face. He brings his arm up to block me, which is exactly what I want. Fighting those ninjas impressed upon me that a feint can be more effective than a blow.

    While he’s distracted, I snatch his helmet away from him. Unsurprisingly it fits to my head perfectly, and a suit of armor identical to my opponents forms around me. The only difference I notice is the red accents have been replaced with blue.

    My double snorts his contempt. “Big deal, you’ve got a suit like mine now. I’ve spent the last two weeks training in this rig, you just got it. Let’s go!”

    He opens fire with the railgun mounted on his left shoulder. It’s a distraction, meant to give his proton cannon placed at his right hip the few seconds needed to power up. A full-strength blast from my own destroys his.

    “How did you-?” The shock is clear in his voice.

    “I powered up mine while you were bragging, sport. Care to surrender yet?”

    He roars in rage as he activates the wrist-mounted laser blade. A precision burst from my railgun destroys the projection crystal. Having powered up my proton cannon again, I fire it again, only to have it bounce off of a protective forcefield.

    “Ha!” laughs my foe. I grin beneath the mask as he begins coughing. I wanted him to erect the forcefield. It kept the smoke from the smoke bomb I rolled beneath his feet first contained. I’m not Tactical Advisor to the Lair Legion for nothing.

    He has no choice but to drop the barrier to dissipate the smoke, and I’m ready for that as well. I deck him hard, and he falls with a loud clang. He falls and doesn’t get back up, though I notice he spits out a tooth.

    “How…” He moans as he tries to ask how I beat him so easily.

    “You may have trained a lot longer than me in that suit, but you’re just its wearer. While I’m wearing this helmet, I am the suit. I know all of its capabilities, all of its limitations. Combine that with me being a lot smarter than you, and here we are.”

    Suddenly the lights go out.

    “Here we are indeed!” A voice booms from out of the shadows. I turn to face this new threat, confident my double will stay down. “Well done, Hatman. I see the reports of your prowess are indeed true.”

    I can’t see the speaker, and unfortunately the armor doesn’t come with night vision. I thought night vision was standard with all suits of high-tech armour these days.

    “Speaking of seeing, I don’t suppose you’d care to turn the lights back on, would you?” My armour registers an impact on my chest. I tense for another attack, but there is no follow-up.

    “Why don’t you turn them on yourself?” I fumble in the dark to find what hit me. Activating the laser blade in my gauntlet provides some light, and it’s enough to see what I hold in my gauntlet.

    My Hatility Belt.

    I reach into one of its pouches and find my whole arsenal is intact. I want to pull out my Phoenix Suns cap to illuminate the room, but why would the speaker return it to me if it wasn’t a trap.

    “I assure you, as a gentleman, that I have not tampered with your belt. That would be unsporting of me, after all.” I still can’t see him with the light from my blade, and I don’t trust him either.

    “Let us speed up the process then.” I hear a click, and then the self-destruct command imbedded in the armour comes to life. I hurl the helmet from my head and hear it explode in the corner. “Unless you put on your belt, I fail to see how you’re going to deal with him.”

    Pain erupts through my body as my double strikes me from behind. Foolish of me to ignore him even though I thought he was down for the count. I lie on the ground, hoping the dark will conceal me. The lights come back on, and his armoured foot is staring me in the face.

    “I’ll give your regards to Whitney.”

    Even though we’re not together anymore, the threat to my former girlfriend galvanizes me into action, just as any threat to my friends would. I roll aside from the devastating stomp awaiting my head and come up with a Steelers cap at the ready.

    “You’re the changeling, aren’t you? I thought you’d died.” I slam my metal fist into his stomach, knocking him back.

    “Only by your definition. I’m a creature from Faerie, I cannot be killed by mortal means.” He comes at me again swiftly, delivering a right hook to my face.

    “And now you’re after my life again? Last time I was injured fighting the Wilde Hunt. This time I’m fresh and ticked off. Bring it!” We close on each other, the chamber ringing with the sounds of armour on metal. Even though I can probably take him this way, considering the damage I did to his suit earlier, I want to humiliate him, show him what Hatman can really do.

    My Los Angeles Dodgers cap allows me to avoid his every blow, as I weave and duck around him, landing punch after punch to his exposed face. “You’ll never get your hands on her, ever!” He’s slowing down, his swings sluggish and wild. “You’ll never get my life again!” I switch to my Seattle Supersonics hat and race around him, alternately punching him and removing his armour. When his armor is removed I pull out a stetson and hog-tie him with his own belt. “You’ll never be me.”

    “Very impressive.” The voice is back, but this time not hidden by the shadows. The man is sitting behind a desk, his face disguised by a mask, a pair of grey glasses hide his eyes. I do recognize the woman next to him though.

    “Pelopia!” The woman who contracted the Lynchpin to steal my Hatility Belt in the first place.

    “Please, have a seat Hatman.” The man in the mask motions to one of the two chairs in front of his desk.

    “I prefer to stand.”

    ”Please, have a seat Hatman.” Against my own will I seat myself before the man. “You may be wondering why you are forced to do what I say. I am the Word, Emmisary of Order. Obviously you already know Pelopia.”

    I struggle with myself as he speaks, but I cannot leave the chair.

    “You are a bearer of Serious Matter, the substance that gives power to the cause of Order. Few are able to bear it, and even fewer are able to use it. I am one of those few. You are compelled by my Voice of Reason, the ability the Serious Matter grants me. You cannot help but do what I say, being so intelligent as you claimed before.”

    “If you serve Order, why would you have a grudge against me, a keeper of order and justice in society?”

    “You do not serve Order, Hatman. You have been infected by Chaos, even before you met CrazySugarFreakBoy!. You were not supposed to be the one to receive the Serious Matter. I imagine Chaos found it amusing to divert it into one such as you, a man who has the potential to serve Order yet delights in Chaos. My mission is to bring Order to the universe, to eliminate Chaos until all are united in peace.”

    “Sounds like a plan. Where do I sign up?”

    “Please don’t insult me, Hatman. You have been exposed to Chaos for far too long. Were I to reform you, at best you could serve as a Tool of Order. You could never hope to achieve anything higher.”

    I’m kind of glad De Brown Streak isn’t here. He’d only gloat the villain agrees that I’m a tool.

    “Then what are you going to do with me? Kill me?”

    “No no, nothing that barbaric. I only want what is rightfully Order’s. Your Serious Matter.”

    “You said yourself that very few people can even bear it. Where do you intend to put it?”

    Pelopia plopped my doppleganger, now free of his restraints, into the chair next to me. “This being has an identical physical structure to you. He will bear the Serious Matter, and wield it as I command him.”

    “You’re telling me that I’m more inclined to Chaos than a Faerie creature?”

    “Not at all. But this changeling will do as I say willingly, knowing that it will cause you pain. You would do as I command, but you would always fight against me, being the hero that you are. That is a factor I do not wish to contend with.”

    “How do you intend to get the Serious Matter out of me? Its not like you can just pop my top and pull it out.” Based on scans done in the past I know that the Serious Matter is firmly entrenched in my head and there’s no physical way it can come out.

    The Word reaches into his desk and pulls out a cap, which he then passes to Pelopia. It’s a Minnesota Twins cap. “This cap, when placed upon your head, will separate the Order and Chaos within you. The rage you felt at the changeling has stirred Chaos within you, making the split that much more possible. A being of Order and a being of Chaos will emerge. Pelopia will dispatch with the Chaos while the being of Order is dissected. Without the Chaos influence, the Serious Matter should prove simple to extract.”

    Pelopia places the hat on my head.

To be continued…

Footnotes
    The Changeling – Back in UtoLL #123 a shapeshifter captured Hatman and froze him in the land of Faerie, where he remained for thousands of years (Faeire time). While Hat was capture, the changeling took his place in the Lair Legion. He didn’t last long, however, as he was killed battling Lord Resolution in UTOLL #128 Sorceress, while attempting to resurrect Hatman in UtoLL #131, accidentally brought back the shapeshifter since Hatman wasn’t actually dead. She was saved by De Brown Streak, and the changeling was sent back to whatever Hell dimension he had been inhabiting. Hatman was later saved from his torment in Faerie by a local peasant named Jack and the Hooded Hood in UtoLL #157. Now the changeling is back, but I’m not going to tell you how in the footnotes.

    Straight from the Who’s Who - The Word of Logos (Gideon Book) conceals his true identity. Few know him as the philanthropist, sponsor of CrazySugarFreakBoy! and his Global Gangbusters. In actuality Book is the unquestioned master of the Order of Order, and amoral ancient cult dedicated to promoting the rule of Order in the Parodyverse. The Word has the power to command obedience from those with whom he speaks, but is photosensitive to colour so dwells in monochrome surroundings in his penthouse office in Seattle. His daughter Pelopia is the cult’s High Priestess of Logos and principal agent. Founder and CEO of Odyssey Enterprises and its many subsidiaries, Book is sensitive to bright colours, and dwells in seclusion in a monochrome office. CSFB! first gained his Impossibilitium silly suit and equipment during an incident at a Book facility, and Dreamcatcher Foxglove continues to see Book as a mentor and friend. He is unaware that Book is also his archenemy, the Word.

    Straight from the Who’s Who - Pelopia, Priestess of Logos is the daughter of Gideon Book (q.v), the man who is CSFB!’s mentor and secretly his archenemy, the Word (q.v). CSFB! is aware that the Word has a daughter trained to kill him (they’ve met), and that Gideon Book has a daughter (Dream’s never seen her as far as he knows), but has never connected the two. Pelopia is disciplined to have perfect control over her mind, body, and emotions, but still managed to become pregnant by CSFB!

    And hopefully I haven't screwed anyting up in regards to the Word, Pelopia, and the relationship between Order and Chaod. I'm sure Kirk will let us know if I did.

~Hat~